


Striving for Fulfilment – The Ultimate Prize

by Katef



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Episode Related, M/M, Post-Canon, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-03
Updated: 2018-03-04
Packaged: 2019-03-26 11:59:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 8,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13857351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katef/pseuds/Katef
Summary: Post TSbyBS.  After the badge offer, Blair is confused and unsettled, and badly needs time to process everything that has happened to him.  Should he take the offer, or is it totally unrealistic and unworkable?  This story traces the path to his final decision through the exploration of his changing relationship with Jim.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is an attempt to incorporate all the remaining prompts on my SenBingo card into 10 chapters. It remains to be seen whether this is a realistic proposition, but I intend to try! Here’s the first chapter. The rest should follow shortly, all being well, as soon as they’re done.

**Chapter 1: Prompt – Trapped in a Dream.**   


Blair pulled in to his favourite viewspot overlooking Cascade and the bay beyond. Turning off the ignition, he sat for moment, trying to gather the energy to get out of the Volvo and walk the few yards to the rock he usually either perched upon or leaned against when attempting any heavy-duty processing. 

And if any situation could be categorised as ‘heavy-duty’, it must surely be the one in which he had most recently found himself. 

He realised that this sudden onset of weariness was undoubtedly due to the dissipation of the adrenalin-spiked energy burst he had experienced immediately after Jim had thrown that badge at him in the bullpen, but in its wake he felt almost too drained to do what he had to do. And that was to decide what to do for the best, both for him and for the man he still loved despite everything that had happened between them. 

And it was going to be no easy task; he knew that only too well. He was going to have to weigh his options carefully to try and ensure that he made the best choices he could. But there was no point in putting it off, so he climbed out of the car and approached ‘his’ rock; settling down with his back to it, knees drawn up and chin resting on his crossed forearms. Gazing out at the beautiful view – because for once it actually was an uncharacteristically dry and warm day in Cascade – he breathed deeply, letting his mind roam free as he sought his centre, and the enlightenment he hoped to find therein. 

However, it was inevitable his wandering thoughts would return initially to the nightmare situation which had preceded today’s unexpected surprise. He needed to confront the whole dreadful diss mess that had almost destroyed him, and had hurt his friends. And worse than that, could have killed Jim too, and Blair was certain that he wouldn’t have wanted to go on if his very reason for being was gone. 

Oh, he knew he had fucked up, only too well. He should never have left Jim’s name in the draft copy, but he had so wanted to see it there just for a while. He had been so proud of the paper –probably the best thing he had ever written - and it seemed right to give his Holy Grail recognition, even if only temporarily and between themselves. He was sure Jim would have appreciated reading it before he submitted the edited copy, but now he would never know. Hell, he knew it was foolish to have named his Primary Subject in the first place, but who would have thought that his mother would have had the nous to get into his laptop even though he’d locked the hard copy safely away? 

And that inevitably turned his attention towards Naomi, and how he thought of her now. 

He had dropped her off at the airport before driving out here, and that parting had been more than a little fraught. After the press conference she had found somewhere to stay away from the loft, realising that her presence was adding too much stress to the already tense atmosphere existing between Blair and Jim, but her guilty conscience insisted that she remain available until such time as some type of understanding or solution was reached. During that time, and especially after the Keller shooting spree, she had asked for Blair’s forgiveness several times, and he had reassured her each and every time that yes, he did forgive her. 

However, in reality that was far from the case. Gods! Even now he wasn’t sure that she truly understood the extent of the damage she had wreaked by her well-intentioned meddling in his affairs. Damage that was compounded by the unforgivably mercenary attitudes of both Sid Graham at Berkshire Publishing and Chancellor Edwards, not to mention the excessive and rabid interest taken in them by the media. 

And, it had to be said, by the hopeless lack of communication between him and Jim, but that was a horse of a different colour, and he figured he’s be coming back to that awkward topic in due course. 

But as for Naomi, Blair couldn’t have been more astonished to see her in the bullpen along with all his friends – and hadn’t that been a wonderful surprise to find that they were indeed still his friends despite everything? Having said that, he could tell instantly that she was deeply disturbed despite her brave attempt to look happy for him. She would never reconcile herself to Blair actually joining the ranks of the ‘pigs’ for real, should he decide to accept the offer, even if it was she who had set the whole bizarre situation in motion. Yes, it was as well that she had asked him to take her to the airport as soon as the impromptu celebration had ended. She needed to process, and Blair needed time to work out his own anger, so a prolonged separation seemed to be the best way for both of them. 

But now he needed to get his head straight. He felt as if everything that had happened thus far was unreal. As if he were trapped in some sort of dream, which might no longer be of the nightmare variety, but was deeply unsettling for all that. 

Sighing deeply, he closed his eyes again and began to murmur his favourite mantras. If this processing was to be successful at all, he had to let go of his ambivalent emotions towards Naomi, there was no other way. 

So he visualised a slowly winding river flowing away from him, carrying his thoughts, hopes and dreams on a gentle journey of discovery and understanding. 

And prayed that his answer lay awaiting him at the end of his voyage. 

To be continued…  



	2. Prompt - Tall tale

**Chapter 2: Prompt – Tall tale.**   


Relaxing into the meditative state, Blair allowed his thoughts to roam willy-nilly, randomly picking out images in no particular chronological order, but yet ones that seemed to represent memorable landmarks in his developing relationship with Jim. A soft, rueful smile touched his lips as he recalled the early days of their partnership, when it was more a mutually convenient arrangement, and when Jim made no bones about his reluctance to allot Blair any more of his time than he needed to. 

Yet despite his nearly constant binding and whining about the tests Blair set up for him, he still paid attention, however grudgingly, and generally benefitted from the experience whether he admitted it or not. And later on he had confessed that, although he frequently tuned out the content of much of Blair’s seemingly endless chatter, he found the sound of the young man’s voice soothing. 

However, there were occasions when he had listened with genuine interest, and Blair recalled one in particular, when he had been regaling Jim with what he was certain the older man considered to be a tall tale indeed. 

But strangely enough, that time it had actually been the real deal, and Blair was telling nothing but the truth even if he had embellished it a little for interest’s sake. 

“It’s true, Jim! I swear! And it turned out to be one of the most transcendental experiences I’ve ever had! 

“See, the Kombai are an arboreal people. They live high in the tree canopy, and man, it’s just breath-taking up there. Even though I don’t really do heights, I had to live it. It was an anthropologist’s wet dream, man. And the fact that they accepted me was a miracle in itself, Jim. I mean, when they found me, I thought they were going to kill me! They don’t like outsiders, and they thought I was some sort of demon. But when I tripped and fell flat on my face, they just laughed, and that was it, man. I was made welcome, and I stayed there for months. 

“It’s all true, Jim, honest!” 

He recalled the cynical smirk and the twinkle in Jim’s eyes as he had responded, but hadn’t been hurt at the other man’s remark. Just the fact that Jim was acting so positively towards him had been enough to warm his heart. 

“Chief, you could convince an Eskimo to buy ice with that silver tongue of yours. But I don’t think I can buy into that tale! 

“But then again,” he had continued thoughtfully, “who could possibly make up something like that?” And then he had ruffled Blair’s curls affectionately, such that, although the younger man felt compelled to utter the ritual ‘not the hair, man’ rejoinder, he had, in fact, been thrilled at the casual gesture. 

And had gradually learned to crave more of the same as the weeks went by. 

But perhaps more important was the way that Jim gradually began to accept that his senses could indeed be used to enhance his performance, no longer scoffing at Blair’s insistence that he could be a walking crime lab or organic lie-detector. 

And just maybe by then he had begun to accept Blair as his guide even if his independent streak fought against the notion tooth and nail.


	3. Prompt - Flight

**Chapter 3: Prompt – Flight.**   


Even as Blair cautiously examined the concept of Jim reluctantly accepting Blair as a necessary evil whether wanted or no; at least as a temporary measure; he recalled the point where he had had his own minor epiphany, realising that Jim was no longer simply his dissertation subject, but a real friend. 

He cringed now when he considered how he had behaved towards Jim during those early days, although to be fair, it wasn’t all his fault. Jim was frequently cranky anyway, and Blair had never before had anyone or anything he could honestly call his own. Naomi had disabused him of the idea of ‘owning’ anything, be it a person or a material possession, on the grounds that nothing lasts forever, and ‘detaching with love’ was the only way to go. It had certainly worked for her, and for most of his youth Blair had assumed it would work for him just as well. It had saved him from a lot of hurt and heartbreak, but had also deprived him of experiencing any kind of deep relationship, and in hindsight he recognised what a disservice his mother’s self-centred lifestyle had done him. He had never learned to give of himself fully and willingly, always keeping back the essence of his heart and soul to avoid the pain of parting which he had seen reflected in the eyes of Naomi’s abandoned would-be suitors time and time again. However, he was destined to learn that lesson after all, and with it, the ability to commit to one special person, but not without a good deal of soul-searching and no little hurt and disillusionment along the way. 

Jim and he had reached a point in their partnership where Jim had plainly begun to relax into a comfortable, familiar relationship with his roommate when the whole ‘Borneo’ episode had threatened to blow them apart for good. Eli Stoddard’s offer to take Blair with him on that extended trip might well have destroyed their nascent bond if Blair had taken him up on it, seeing only what a benefit it could be for his academic career and too self-centred to see what it meant to Jim. Not understanding how anyone could actually want his person or presence on a deeper or more permanent level, Blair had been honestly mystified at Jim’s anger and hurt at the prospect of Blair disappearing from his life for so long. But when Simon and Daryl’s predicament had upstaged their misunderstanding, and Blair had insisted on accompanying Jim on that fraught rescue mission, it was as if the proverbial light bulb had been switched on in Blair’s head. He had had the opportunity to see Jim in action in a dangerous, jungle environment both with and without the benefit of his senses, and he had been struck yet again by the man’s combat skills as well as his courage, honour and integrity. Hero worship had taken on another dimension, and Blair was smitten. 

And on their safe return to the loft, Blair had made sure that Jim understood just how much he now meant to the young anthropologist. 

“It’s about friendship, man,” he had said. “I just didn’t get it before.” 

But he did now, and if his offer was later rejected, the pain of it was likely to destroy him.  



	4. Prompt - Prisoner X

**Chapter 4: Prompt – Prisoner X**   


As Blair’s thoughts continued to meander down that winding river, some instinctive subconscious desire for self-preservation censored many of the excessively disturbing flashbacks that would have caused him to emerge from his meditative state in a panic-stricken cold sweat. The likes of Garrett Kincaid, David Lash and Warren Chapel remained firmly locked away in the deepest, darkest recesses of his memory, although the interesting and much appreciated phenomenon that the aftermath of their actions generated was dusted off and studied with care. 

This phenomenon Blair chose to label as ‘BPS’, or ‘Blessed Protector Syndrome’, but not in any derogatory way. It was simply that for Blair, Jim’s compulsion to protect his partner and guide from harm epitomised the core characteristic of a sentinel’s persona. To protect the tribe at all costs, and especially the guide. It was, in Blair’s eyes at least, probably the most praiseworthy of all Jim’s many good qualities, and Blair had had cause to be grateful for it on far too many occasions. 

But on the other hand, he understood now that the compulsion to protect wasn’t limited to the sentinel. After all, if he had thought about it, he had actually been Jim’s saviour and protector well before Jim had become his when Blair had pushed the zoned sentinel safely to the ground before that garbage truck hit him. And that had been only the second time they had met. But later, he too had been surprised to find just how strong the urge was to protect his partner in his turn. It might not always have been in a physical sense; although he had frequently had reason to improvise under duress; but most definitely in the sense of comforting Jim, whether the older man appreciated his efforts or not. 

Blair had never been so scared for anyone in his life as far as he could recall as he had been when Jim had been abducted by Colonel Oliver, but far worse, in a different way, was the aftermath of Jim’s undercover stint in Starkville Prison. The man who had emerged from that hell-hole had been near to breaking point, and Blair had wanted nothing more than to wrap him up in cotton wool and cosset him until he felt better and his demons were, if not banished, at least locked securely away again behind the walls of the renowned Ellison repression. 

Not that Jim would have admitted it, however, or accepted Blair’s overtures. For Jim, to ask for help was a sign of weakness, which was why he had fought so strongly in the first place against needing a crazy-assed anthropologist in his well-ordered and solitary life. 

But the fact remained that Blair did feel this reciprocating urge to protect, and because of that, he desperately needed to work out a solution to their present awkwardness. If he was to be taken seriously as Jim’s guide and possible police partner, then they both had to accept that a guide’s role was of equal importance, but whether Jim was ever going to wear that was anybody’s guess. It was all well and good Jim’s muttered comment about Blair being the best partner he’d ever worked with after the Keller shooting, but Blair had been too traumatised by his self-immolation at the press conference to have appreciated the sentiment at the time. And also he had still to work through the bitter hurt of being accused of selling Jim out and going for the brass ring. As he had said at the time, “Man, you don’t know me at all!” 

And perhaps that was still true, in which case he was on a hiding to nothing.  



	5. Prompt - music

**Chapter 5: Prompt – music.**   


Another facet of their relationship that they had never truly come to terms with was the fateful day when Incacha had supposedly passed the Way of the Shaman to Blair, and it seemed to Blair that it was past time to deal with the consequences of that action. Perhaps if Jim hadn’t been so traumatised by his old friend’s death, he might have been able to accept the transference of power to his new guide. But then again, he had been in shock and denial – nothing new there then - and had apparently never taken the ‘gifting’ seriously anyway. Way too arcane for his prosaic cop’s mind to accept. 

And because he had made so little of it; and of Blair’s feeble attempt at a joking reference to being the ‘Shaman of the Great City’; a disappointed Blair had put it aside as insignificant also. 

And that was probably their biggest mistake. 

Looking back, Blair’s lips lifted in a gentle smile as remembered scenes played out behind his closed lids. His amazement and excitement at Incacha’s presence in the loft, and his pleasure at being able to witness the interaction between Jim and his old friend and erstwhile mentor. And then there was Incacha’s comment about Blair’s choice of music. ‘Earth music’ Incacha had called it, and Blair had been inordinately pleased with the compliment. 

But those scenes were quickly overlaid by ones of blood and death, with Jim screaming in denial as Incacha’s life drained away before their very eyes, with nothing they could do to prevent it. 

Blair had had to work hard to convince Jim to retrieve his senses, and Incacha’s words had paled into insignificance against the violent backdrop of the case, and yet another death in the form of Blair’s friend Janet. 

Small wonder then that the whole ‘shaman’ episode had been brushed under the carpet by both men. Jim had never made any bones about his dislike and distrust of anything remotely ‘spiritual’, and in the face of his derision and cynicism, Blair found it expedient to bury his curiosity beneath layers of the acceptable mundane. But he had never quite rid himself of a wistful desire to investigate the phenomenon more fully, and a certain watery event at Rainier’s fountain had reignited that desire. 

But if he believed that he wasn’t quite ready to deal with that situation just yet, his subconscious had other ideas.  



	6. Prompt - rites of passage

**Chapter 6: Prompt – rites of passage.**   


Over years of anthropological studying, Blair had encountered many instances of cultures that still adhered to the concept of their young men undergoing some form of ritualistic rite of passage to mark the transition from boy to manhood. During expeditions to visit such tribes, not all of whom could still be categorised as genuinely ‘pre-industrialised’, he had witnessed variations on the theme. Hell, he had even taken part in one or two of them himself, and he accepted the practice unreservedly. 

It wasn’t as if so-called westernised civilisations didn’t have their own rites after all, even if they didn’t usually include minor physical mutilation and mind-altering drugs. Getting the ‘key of the door’ at twenty one; reaching the legal age to drive – and drink alcohol – and High School Graduation all marked important stages in life and experience and the transition from youth to responsible adulthood, along with myriad other examples he could think of. 

However, what should have been the most important rite of passage as far as Blair was concerned had been wasted. And that was the one which should have seen he and Jim become as one, sentinel and guide bound for life. Not just Jim and Blair, cop and tagalong observer, but something much more special. A team committed for life to protecting the tribe and each other to the best of their combined abilities. 

It occurred to him as he sat there against his rock that, if the pair of them had accepted Blair’s role as something more than a simple helpmeet who watched Jim’s back, they would never have been forced to undergo such drastic and potentially lethal misunderstandings. Jim’s refusal to see Blair as the shaman Incacha expected him to be, and Blair’s meek acceptance of Jim’s dismissal of what he chose not to acknowledge meant that when they most needed to communicate with each other, they failed to do so. This in turn had left Blair open not only to accusations of untrustworthiness, but also to potential danger, banished from the security of the man who should have protected him above all others. 

But when the worst had happened, and Blair was taken and drowned by Alex Barnes, they had both been given a second chance. And had failed miserably to make the most of it. 

Although Blair made a deliberate effort to blot out the worst of the pain and despair he had suffered during his drowning, he vaguely recalled the peace he had found on the ‘other side’, so to speak. He certainly recalled the beauty of the light that had beckoned him, even as he _thought_ he remembered the sensations of finding himself in his wolf-form. But when he had heeded the despairing call of the jaguar, Jim’s spirit animal, he had been unable to resist. And when they had leapt to merge in that glorious flash of light and understanding, he had been euphoric. The ultimate rite of passage was his and Jim’s for the taking. 

And then the dreadful kick in the teeth as he had woken in his hospital bed to be told that Jim ‘wasn’t ready to take that trip with him’, and all his dreams were as ashes.  



	7. Prompt - Private Eyes

Chapter 7: Prompt – Private Eyes.

Not all of the scenes playing in Blair’s mind were intrinsically upsetting or portentous, although in retrospect there seemed to be a message incorporated within each one. Take for instance the whole ‘psychic’ obfuscation involving Megan when the perspicacious Australian exchange officer had quickly realised that there was something special about Jim’s detective abilities. Both men had been quietly amused and not a little relieved at her easy acceptance of her own misinterpretation, and Jim had been in no hurry to disabuse her of her mistake. He might well get on Blair’s case about the younger man’s obfuscating abilities, but he wasn’t averse to lying by omission when he perceived it pertinent. 

However, in retrospect, Blair couldn’t help but think that the episode had been yet another example of Jim’s basic unease with the whole sentinel concept, such that he was more comfortable with being labelled as some sort of esoteric mentalist than accepting of senses which were, however enhanced, still merely the result of a natural genetic variation. 

It was especially ironic when Blair recalled Jim’s cynical reaction to Charlie Spring, the engaging little man who Naomi had introduced to the department as a true psychic who could help them solve a kidnap case. To say that Jim had been less than impressed would be an understatement, and even Blair, who had been brought up to have a far more open mind than his older friend, had been more than a little sceptical of Charlie’s claims to fame. And when the case had concluded successfully, albeit with both help and hindrance from the self-proclaimed clairvoyant, Blair couldn’t help but snicker internally at the remembered image of Jim’s bemused expression when the little man had wrapped himself around the big cop in a full body hug. 

It led him to wonder incidentally if Naomi was still in touch with her friend. Perhaps he was even her current haven of choice while she worked her way through her guilt over the diss disaster. Who knew? 

And at the end of the day, who cared, because that thought had brought him around almost full circle with still no concrete decisions made. He was going to have to spend a little longer out here than he had expected, but for both his and Jim’s sake, he was prepared to do it.  



	8. Prompt - Time travel

**Chapter 8: Prompt – Time travel.**   


Although Jim was still the most important and admired person in Blair’s universe, and not simply because of his awesome sensory skills, Blair was only too aware of the big cop’s faults also, having all too often been at the receiving end of frequently undeserved hostility and distrust. Having said that, he was far more critical of his own faults, fully aware of his own lack of confidence in so many situations, and of his incorrigible habit of acting on impulse and asking questions later. 

He had been deeply hurt when Jim had betrayed his confidence and read that thrice-damned introductory chapter before turning the tables on Blair and accusing _him_ of betrayal. Blair had been so upset, especially after enduring the night shift from hell, that he had asked Jim if he should destroy the paper in the cause of remaining friends. Now _that_ had been an impulse he might have regretted if Jim had agreed to his offer, except that, in retrospect, perhaps he should have done that very thing. He would give anything now not to have finished the paper. If he was truly honest with himself, he had lost his objectivity way back down the line, and had been deliberately delaying the inevitable for so many months – years even. He hadn’t been lying when he had told Jim that he had data enough for several papers, but hadn’t wanted to finish because he had been enjoying the PD rollercoaster far more than the academic merry-go-round. The last thing he wanted was to give Simon a reason to pull his pass, fully believing that his place was at Jim’s side for as long as possible. 

However, his dissertation committee had finally run out of patience, and with several strikes against him already, thanks to episodes such as the Ventriss debacle, he had had no option but to finally finish his sentinel paper. 

And then all hell had broken loose, thanks to Naomi’s ill-considered interference, and his academic life had been destroyed by his own hand. And even though he told himself that he didn’t regret it, because it was the right thing to do, he knew he was lying to himself. When he had told Jim outside Simon’s hospital room that ‘it was only a book’, he had been making light of the situation to make Jim feel better. 

But when Jim had replied with unexpected perspicacity that ‘it was Blair’s life’, he had told the truth. 

“Yeah, it was….” 

However, what was done was done, and there was no going back as far as he could see. But how he would have liked a second chance. Like that time travelling Doctor Who guy on TV who could flit around the universe in his Tardis time machine, righting wrongs and saving whole populations with a twist of his sonic screwdriver. Blair would give anything not to have written that paper, or, if he had, to have actually had the common sense and the courage to communicate with Jim before the situation unravelled before his eyes. If only they had talked, maybe they could have averted the worst of the mess and worked out a viable solution before Jim’s identity and ability were exposed to the press. 

But it was what it was, and in truth they hadn’t been communicating for months by then; even the miracle at the fountain not enough to seal the cracks in their relationship and restore that all-important trust. 

So perhaps it was time to let it go. To turn his back on unrealisable dreams and to leave Jim in peace to make of his life what he would without the encumbrance of a self-proclaimed fraud. 

Had he the strength to do that? And was it what Jim really wanted? 

Perhaps he owed it to both of them to work on this problem just a little longer….  



	9. Prompt - Longing

**Chapter 9: Prompt – Longing**   


When Blair opened his eyes, he saw that the sun was low in the sky, and realised he had been meditating for far longer than he had intended to. His back was sore where he had been pressed against the rock, and his legs and feet felt numb, but surprisingly, he felt lighter in himself. The prolonged spell of self-examination had cleared a lot of unwanted debris from his emotional closets, and he felt as if a large part of his equilibrium had been restored. Although he was still some way from making serious choices and final decisions, he truly believed that that goal was now within his reach. Pushing himself up from his sitting position with a slight groan of discomfort, he stretched luxuriously and rolled his shoulders, loosening up stiff muscles and easing the tension in his neck. 

He strolled around the clearing for a few minutes, restoring the circulation in his limbs before sitting down once more on the rock this time, breathing steadily and determined to face the final hurdle of his self-doubt. 

Despite his desperate longing for Jim to see and accept him for what he was, objectivity was what was required right now, and there was no room for maudlin self-pity here. 

First of all, he knew that he had to get over himself and ‘man up’ if he was going to have any chance of making Jim sit up and take notice. Although he had never thought of himself as any kind of doormat, and certainly wouldn’t have put up with any real physical abuse from any partner, let alone Jim, he couldn’t help but smirk ruefully at the number of times the sentinel had shoved him up against a wall. But each time Jim had been either angry of scared, or a combination of the two, and strangely enough Blair had never felt unduly threatened. He believed he knew where the confused and frustrated sentinel was coming from, and Jim had never actually hurt him. 

On the other hand, Jim’s often acerbic comments and criticisms did indeed have the power to wound Blair profoundly, and he knew that he was going to have to stand up for himself more if Jim was ever going to take him seriously. He was well aware that Jim’s behaviours were deeply ingrained, and fuelled by insecurity, but knowing that Jim’s tendency to go on the offensive before he could get blind-sided or betrayed didn’t make it acceptable for Blair to back down. Oh sure, he had stood up to Jim on occasion – as he had after Incacha had died and Jim went into meltdown – but more often than not he had given in. 

But not anymore. And if Jim didn’t like it, then at least Blair would have the satisfaction of knowing that he had given it his best shot, and hadn’t run away with his tail between his legs. 

At the end of the day, he loved the man, and not just for his hypersensory capability. He loved and wanted Jim the man, warts and all, which was something he would never have believed possible. He, Blair – the neo-hippy witchdoctor punk and habitual free-spirited nomad - had learned about commitment and true love and now wanted nothing more than to settle down for life with the object of his desires. 

There was much he needed to forgive, as Jim had hurt him badly, particularly over the Alex affair, but he wasn’t blameless either, so he also had to forgive himself. And if he could do that, then perhaps they could move on and at least recover their friendship even if it went no further. 

But if Blair could have his way, they would go all the way and finally achieve what Blair truly believed they were destined to be. 

However, in order to do that, he had to come up with some ideas about how to repair the worst of the damage to his reputation, and make some sort of life for himself. 

And he had an idea now of how he might succeed. He just had to get Jim on board, and that was going to be the hard part.  



	10. Prompt - First time / last time

**Chapter 10: Prompt – First time/last time**   


During Blair’s prolonged absence, Jim had had plenty of time to do some thinking of his own, and he knew very well that it was something he should have done long ago. Self-analysis wasn’t something that came naturally to him, but he realised that if he wanted Blair to stay with him, he was going to have to bite the bullet and get on with it. 

After the badge offer and subsequent mini celebration, Jim had been secretly relieved when Naomi had asked Blair to take her to the airport immediately. He guessed that mother and son might need a little time together, but couldn’t help but feel glad that she was moving on. He couldn’t say he actively disliked her – far from it, in fact – but he couldn’t forgive the way she had taken it upon herself to meddle in her son’s business so thoughtlessly, and he would be very surprised if Blair had really forgiven her either. 

But whether Blair had forgiven him was yet to be seen, and that was what worried him most. 

After seeing Simon back home safely in a shared cab, Jim returned to the loft and settled down to wait for Blair’s return. He was uncharacteristically nervous, because he had a sick feeling that the badge offer wasn’t enough, and even now Blair might be on his way home to tell Jim so. But other than Jim going public himself about the senses, which would totally undermine Blair’s noble gesture, he and Simon hadn’t really been able to come up with any alternative option. 

Then again, if they’d have included Blair in their discussions, perhaps they might have done, but for reasons best known to himself, Jim hadn’t been able to bring himself to really talk to his roommate, and that might well be his downfall. In retrospect, watching the emotions play across Blair’s face when the gang had surprised him in the bullpen didn’t reassure Jim any. He cringed now at how his own ill-timed ‘joke’ about Blair being finished there ‘as an observer’ had really hurt the kid for a moment, and when Simon had snatched the badge back after Blair’s wondering comment, “I don’t deserve this”, Jim thought he might actually cry. 

And afterwards there had been an almost manic quality about Blair’s euphoria, such that Jim had the unsettling notion that they’d gotten it all wrong after all. 

It all boiled down to his own insecurities at the end of the day. Blair had gotten it so right when he had written about ‘fear-based responses’ and a ‘fear of intimacy’. Oh sure, Jim had been mortally offended when he had first read those damning words out of context, but the honest man within him knew that they were right on the nail. It wasn’t Blair that had done the betraying, and he should have known better than to have thought so. But it was a sad fact that he himself had been betrayed so often in the past that it was well-nigh impossible to believe that Sandburg wouldn’t follow the same pattern. So Jim had done his usual trick, and attacked first, accusing the young man of disloyalty and going for the brass ring. 

And how wrong he had been. He had given Blair no chance to defend himself, thus leaving the grad student with no other option but to destroy himself on national TV. For love. 

And that was something Jim had never expected. 

Even worse, he couldn’t understand how he could possibly be worthy of such a sacrifice, especially from a man who he had taken for granted for so long. It was humbling, for sure, and suddenly made the whole badge gesture look pitifully inadequate as a consolation prize. 

Sighing despondently, he limped over to the refrigerator to snag a beer, then settled down to wait for his friend’s arrival – if friend he indeed still was.  


\---------------------------  


Several hours and another beer later, Jim was still sitting alone on the sofa, his sore leg cramping uncomfortably as his unease grew. Had Naomi talked the kid into running off with her after all? It was something she’d do without a second thought, and maybe Blair’d been hurt and upset enough to do the same. 

But then he berated himself immediately afterwards for the uncharitable thought. OK, maybe the mouthy, ebullient student of their early acquaintance might have reacted in such a way, but the more mature man he was now surely wouldn’t do so. Hell, he’d committed nearly four years of his life to Jim already, and proved his loyalty time and time again even in the face of Jim’s cynicism and selfishness. After all, hadn’t he given up that trip to Borneo for Jim? And for Simon and Daryl’s sakes to be sure, but mostly so he could back up his sentinel. And Jim swallowed hard at the recollection of Blair’s words once they were safely back in the loft. “It’s about friendship, man. I just didn’t get it before.” 

_Oh, Chief!_ Jim thought. _It was never you. Always about me and my insecurities. And how could I have doubted your love after watching you crucify yourself on TV? I’m the coward, Chief. I don’t deserve anything you’ve done for me. But how to make it right? Will being my partner on the force be enough?_

And as he sat there in the gathering dusk, Jim was forced to accept yet another revelation – one he should have respected and embraced well before now. 

He _knew_ Blair loved him. He had seen it and felt it in the merge at the fountain, and had been too chickenshit to believe in it. It couldn’t be true. He couldn’t _allow_ it to be true, because then he’d have to believe he was worth the young man’s unswerving loyalty, and that would have constituted a fundamental shift in his self-perception. 

But maybe now he was ready. If only Blair would come home so Jim could tell him so.  


\------------------------  


It was another hour before Jim finally heard the unmistakable sounds of Blair’s Volvo approaching, and he couldn’t prevent the huge sigh of relief that escaped him as he tracked the younger man’s path to the loft. When the door opened to reveal his friend, his welcoming smile was wide enough to make Blair raise a quizzical eyebrow. 

“Uh, sorry I’m late, man,” he murmured a little sheepishly. “Didn’t mean to take so long, but I had some thinking to do, so I drove up to Indian Head after I dropped Naomi off. I should have called to tell you, but I forgot. Sorry.” 

“It’s OK, Chief,” Jim replied. “I was a bit worried that perhaps you’d run out on me…” only to realise immediately by the flash of hurt, closely followed by an indignant frown on his friend’s mobile face, that he’d sounded way too critical. Quickly holding up his hand to stave off Blair’s angry retort, he hurried on, “Sorry, Chief, I didn’t mean it like it sounded. I know you wouldn’t disappear on me like that, honestly. I’m just glad to see you back safe and sound is all.” 

Mollified, Blair’s expression softened again. “S’OK, man. After all, a few years ago I might well have done just that. But not anymore, and I’m glad you realise that now. 

“But I have done some serious thinking, and we have to talk, man.” 

“I know, Chief. And I’m ready. Really!” he added at Blair’s slightly disbelieving frown. “Grab yourself a beer if you want one, and get me one as well, if you would. I think I might need a little Dutch courage,” he finished, smirking rather self-deprecatingly. 

Blair nodded, and fetched the drinks, twisting the tops off and handing one over to Jim before sitting on the love seat, catty corner to Jim so that he could see the older man’s face properly. He had already put the lights on, because even if sentinel vision could see him in the darkened room, he needed the same capability. Level playing fields, and all that. 

After taking a long swig of the cold, refreshing beer, Blair set the bottle down on the coffee table and faced Jim, his expression apprehensive, but determined. 

“OK, Jim. I guess there’s no room for obfuscation here, so I’m just going to come out and say it. But please let me get _everything_ out into the open before you reply, man. I so don’t want to argue, and I need you to keep an open mind, OK?” 

“I hear you, Chief,” Jim replied with a sardonic smirk. “The least I can do is hear you out, buddy, so go ahead.” 

And if he was trembling inside with anxiety that Blair was about to draw a line through their relationship, he tried not to let it show. 

“Right, then. Here goes,” muttered Blair, facing Jim head on even though his eyes begged for understanding. 

“First off, I want to say how grateful I am to you and Simon for the offer this afternoon. I so wasn’t expecting it, and I can’t tell you how much it meant to me that the guys in MCU don’t consider me to be a pariah. 

“But I can’t accept it, Jim. For several reasons, and not just because I can’t see myself as a cop. I mean, think about it, man. Even if I made it through the academy, what would people think? The moment I set foot on the witness stand, every defence attorney worth his or her salt would pounce on the fact that I’m a self-confessed fraud. 

“And not only that, but what would the rest of the PD personnel think when I still partnered you, and lived under the same roof? They’d put two and two together pretty quickly, Jim, and start believing that there was something in my paper after all. And that’s what we both know can’t happen. 

“It’s true that I’ve loved working with you. The detective work was a blast, and I really felt as if I was doing something worthwhile. But I still feel the same about carrying, Jim. And I could never be happy with a lot of the petty rules and regulations I would be expected to follow. Not to mention the obligatory stint in uniform I’m sure I’d be expected to do. 

“So regretfully, I have to turn the badge offer down. 

“But before you try and persuade me otherwise, man – if you feel you need to, that is – I do have some ideas, and I hope you’ll give them due thought, OK?” and the look of hopeful pleading on his face was enough to blunt any desire Jim might have had to retaliate in affront and indignation. 

Nodding his assent, he remained silent, praying that Blair truly did have an alternative answer after all. 

“OK, Jim, then here goes nothing. This is what I want – need – to do for myself as well as for us. I’ve given it plenty of thought this afternoon, and I think it’s doable. 

“If I’m to stay here and work with you, which is still what I want more than anything in the world, I need to get some credibility back. I can’t undo what is already done, but I can lessen the damage, I think. At least enough for me to have half a chance of creating a life for myself, and for you also, if you still want me. 

“I’m going to sue Sid Graham and Berkshire Publishing for releasing extracts of my intellectual property without my consent. And I’m going to challenge Chancellor Edwards’ decision to fire me also. She was also complicit in releasing my diss to the press, and since I hadn’t actually submitted it in the first place, she had no right to do so. I think I could prove that she had no grounds for dismissal, other than possible absenteeism, as my teaching record and reputation is far better than nearly anyone else’s at Rainier. I have more published papers to my name than almost any of the other tenured professors, and I think – hope – that Eli will back me in my claim. 

“So, what do you think my chances are? Because, if I’m successful, I’m thinking that I could sign up for other courses such as Forensic Anthropology or Profiling – not necessarily at Rainier – and those qualifications might just earn me a place at the PD as a consultant. A consultant who could ride with you….” 

As he tailed off, his eyes searching Jim’s for a positive reaction, Jim found himself hardly able to believe his luck. This beautiful, courageous young man was prepared to do anything he could to save their partnership, and Jim’s gratitude knew no bounds. 

Everything Blair had said made sense, and in context, Jim realised that the badge offer had been unrealistic at best. But it was incumbent on him now to reassure Blair that he was totally on board with Blair’s suggestions. It was time for him to back up his guide for once, and he was only too pleased to be able to do so. 

“Well, Chief – Blair. I have to say I’m completely blown away. Gods, kiddo, I’m so sorry we didn’t talk sooner. It was my fault. Again. I knew I’d let you down, but couldn’t bring myself to admit it. Especially as I was too yellow to come forward even after your sacrifice. 

“But I promise that I’m going to back you up all the way with this course of action. If you truly still want to be with me – which I pray you do – then I’m prepared to pull out as many big guns as I can. 

“I know my Dad has a fantastic lawyer I can call on to help us put your case forward, both to Berkshire and Rainier, and I’m pretty certain we’ll win. 

“And once that’s done, we’ll approach Simon and the PD with your proposal to work as an official consultant. If I have to ‘fess up to the Chief and Commissioner about the senses, then so be it. They need to understand why I need you with me, and if they want to hang on to their top team, they’ll get with the programme. 

“And if they won’t play ball, then we’ll find some other way to protect the tribe. Just so long as we can do it together. 

“I’m so sorry you won’t get your doctorate with the sentinel paper, Chief, but I’m sure that you’ll secure that PhD eventually. 

“So, is that enough, and can you forgive me?” he finished, once again slightly uncertain. 

The wide, uncomplicated smile on Blair’s face was enough to reassure him, and when he held his hands out towards the younger man, Blair seized them with alacrity. 

“Oh, man!” he breathed. “Thank you so much, Jim, for believing in me. If we’re both on the same page at last, then I truly believe that there’s nothing we can’t do. I love you, man,” he added, blushing most fetchingly. “I never want to leave you. Ever.” 

Touched to his very soul, Jim drew the smaller man towards him, unbelievably happy when Blair fell gladly into his open arms. 

“And I love you too, Chief. I should have said so long ago, but was too afraid to do so. But if you’ll still have me, I’m ready to take that trip with you now. What do you say?” 

“I say, ‘bring it on, man’. Whatever the future holds, I’ll be happy as long as I’m with you. Take me to bed?” 

“You got it, babe. My guide, always.” 

And Blair purred contentedly in his arms, “My sentinel. Forever.”  


**The End.**


End file.
